Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Top 10

So I recently made my 2010 top 10 list for Chunklet staff picks.  Since that's just a list, I figured I'd expand a little.  To build tension, I'm going to add numbers, pictures, and make a countdown.  I'm like VH1.  Here we go:

10. Brian Posehn-Fart & Wiener Jokes (Relapse)
I didn't just put this on my list to suck up to Henry.  This is obviously hilarious.  I mean, even if you don't have a CD player, you could just spend the hour laughing at the cover.  He's been telling a lot of these jokes for a while now, but they're still awesome.








9. VRSA-Old Man Gray (Last Bastion)
This is a band from CT that sent me their album sometime this summer.  It's pretty cool.  I think they like a lot of the same bands that I like.






8. Tom Jones-Praise and Blame (Sound Recorders) This is kind of a weird album of gospel music, but whatever.  It's Tom Jones.  I fucking rules.








7. High on Fire-Snakes For the Divine (E1)
A lot of people criticize this album for being more accessible, but I was never really that impressed with High On Fire until I heard this.  So fuck them.  This album's more badass than Rambo with a chainsaw gun.







6. MF Doom-MF Borat
This EP was recorded in 2006 when Sacha Baron Cohen was promoting the Borat movie.  Nothing was done with it, so Doom put it out on the internet earlier in the year.  The music's sampled from old soul songs.  It's great.  Should be easily available.  If not, let me know.  I'll put it up or something.

5. Mugison-Ítrekun
Ítrekun is Icelandic for live album.  Maybe.  I don't really know.  I speak American.  But I do know this live album is better than most studio albums I got this year.

4. Mondo Cane
Mike Patton performing old Italian pop songs with an orchestra.








3. (the) Melvins-The Bride Screamed Murder (Ipecac)
If anyone was reading any of the three websites that I write on in early June, you're probably wondering why this isn't number one.  I think because I'm still in my honeymoon stage with these next two albums.












2. Kylesa-Spiral Shadow (Season of Mist)
Perhaps the only band that I've written more about this year than The Mevins.  This album really pushes everything they've been doing.








1. Foetus-HIDE (Entopic Ents)
This is a perfect album from start to finish.  It incorporates some Steroid Maximus elements into Foetus.  Everyone should get this.  Go, Team Venture!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Here Come the Purple Yoda


So I saw Prince last night, and if you live in NJ/NY, you should totally go see this.  Here's the setlist.  A bunch of these songs were in medleys, but he still played for nearly two hours:

Laydown
Black Muse (New Song)
The Beautiful Ones
Uptown
Raspberry Beret
Cream
Cool (The Time cover)
Let's Work
U Got the Look
Shhh Play
Angel (Sarah McLachlan cover/Shelby J.lead vox)
Nothing Compares 2 (Duet between Prince and Shelby J.)
She's Always in My Hair
If I Was Your Girlfriend (with Esperanza Spalding)
Insatiable
Scandalous
Adore
Purple Rain

Encore:
Kiss

Encore 2:
Sometimes It Snows In April (with Lalah Hathaway)
Diamonds and Pearls (with Lalah Hathaway)
All the Critics Love U in New York (lyrics changed to New Jersey)
Controversy
Sexy Dancer
Le Freak (Chic cover)
Housequake (with Controversy outro)

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Saturday, December 4, 2010

RIP

This has been out of print for way too long.



Monday, November 29, 2010

Foetus

OK.  I said this like half a year ago, but I think it's actually going to happen this time.  I've got an interview with JG Thirlwell.  If anyone has any questions, let me know.

Also, his new album, HIDE, was released a couple of months back, and it's absolutely fantastic.  You should totally get it.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Monday, November 8, 2010

Nine

2010

Well, this is it; what everything else has been leading up to.  First off, let me say that I while I had no expectation that this would live up to the original or some of the better sequels, but I thought that it would at least be better than Dream Child and maybe Freddy's Revenge.  Unfortunately, that's not the case.  What's so terrible about this movie?  I'm glad you asked:

Before I even start to talk about the film itself, I'm going to mention how much I hate Platinum Dunes.  They're absolutely awful.  Aesthetically, all of their movies look the same.  They've got this cookie-cutter formula to remake horror films, and they all look the fucking same.  And it's Michael Bay.  Why aren't there more explosions?

The new Freddy looks like some Mongoloid reject from Close Encounters of the Third Kind.  The reasoning is that the makeup looks more like a burn victim, and producers were trying to make this a more realistic film.  This is the same reason I don't like these shitty Batman movies that everyone has a boner for.  Because at the end of the day, I'm watching a film about a guy who dresses up like a bat or a ghost that kills people in their sleep, and there's no fucking way that you're convincing me that it's remotely realistic.

You know what would be a realistic movie: Freddy Krueger rapes some kids, gets burned alive by their parents, and stays dead (because, realistically, that what dead people do).  Maybe the kids repress it.  They're probably socially awkward, and probably have be held down and beaten to climax, but still wake up everyday.  Maybe someone commits suicide.  Maybe its a parent who can't live with murdering someone.  Anyway, that could make an interesting realistic film, but it wouldn't be Nightmare on Elm Street.  If you're going to take the fun out of a movie about a guy who creatively murders people in their sleep, what are you left with?

Which brings me to the creativity aspect of everything.  As I've said reviewing previous movies, this type of vehicle can allow some really unique surreal dream sequences.  Just about every dream is the opening scene of the original, with Freddy making sparks in the boiler room, or set in the preschool.  And what's with the fucking preschool flashback?  Was the school run by the gardener?  This was 1997.  People were suspicious about this kind of thing.  No one noticed that the gardener was playing with these children a little too much?  Why was he allowed in the classroom?  He's a fucking gardener.  Where were the teachers?  Why was he allowed to take these children into the basement for such long periods of time?

And the nursery rhyme children are the ghosts of the main characters.  Wait.  What?

Then they introduce the concept of "micro-naps."  That's when you start to fall asleep with your eyes open and hallucinate.  So now Freddy appears when kids are semi-lucid.  So pretty much all the time.  There is absolutely no build-up or suspense in this film.  It's just jump-scare after jump-scare until it loses all meaning, and Freddy's presence isn't even the least bit frightening.  I don't know if it's because I'm old and appreciate suspense and buildup (like I prefer Alien to Aliens).  I guess with texts, Facebook, hula hoops, Zimas, and Pac Man video games, kids today have attention spans that can only be measured in nanoseconds. 

They also establish that if you stay up for 70 hours, you fall into a coma.  When this happens to Nancy, Freddy reveals that this was his plan all along so that he could rape her forever.  Pretty clever of Freddy.  But then he immediately tries to kill her without even one rape.  What happened to your genius plan, Oppenheimer?  So then they pull Freddy into the real world, chop him up, and burn him.  I actually liked the final scene.  It was gory and kind of cool.

One more thing:  I understand that to make money, movies have to be made so that the dumbest of retards can understand, but was it absolutely necessary for the establishing shot that prominently features the Elm Street sign?  Were people commenting at test screening, "I get the nightmare part, but where is Elm Street?"  Why does everything have to be shown in flashbacks?  Can audiences no longer process dialogue unless there are images in front of them?  And halfway through the film someone has to say, "If you die in your dreams, you die in real life."  Are there people who wouldn't come to that conclusion by watching the first half of the movie?

So there's that.  I should be done with Freddy Krueger stuff on this website.  For the most part, it was a pretty good time.  I'll probably do another franchise in the future.  There are two very obvious ones to choose from, but if anyone has any other ideas, let me know.  And on that note: Screw your pass!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Thursday, November 4, 2010

I just got some spam with the subject:

Dr Pepper wants you to know the McRib is back at McDonald's!‏


I already knew this, but I'm glad that Dr Pepper was looking out for me.  This may not seem the best health advice.  However, with today's insurance prices, Dr Pepper all my HMO allows.  Trust me, you don't want to know the kind of things Mr Pibb told me.

Walking Dead

Considering this website started as a comic book site, and now has morphed into a horror (or maybe a Freddy Krueger and Melvins) site, I should really mention the new Walking Dead series on AMC.

There's really not a lot to say.  It lives up to all the hype and positive reviews.  The series is headed by Frank Darabont, who directed:

The Mist, which I would say is easily the best horror movie made in the past couple of decades (make sure you see the B&W version.  It's like 100x better than color).

The Shawshank Redemption, which I've never seen, but know a lot of people like it.

He wrote Dream Warriors of which I have nothing left to say about.  You can read more about it here.

The rest of the writing staff is comprised of Robert Kirkman, who writes the comic book series, and writers that (among other things) worked on The Shield, which is the finest television series I've ever seen.  Darabont also directed a key episode of that show.

Apart from the more than competent production staff, The Waling Dead comic book is some of the best long form storytelling that I've ever read.

So, yeah.  The first episode was great (I think they're replaying it tonight if you missed it).  This first season is only six episodes, but AMC says next season will be a full thirteen if it gets renewed.  And since this is AMC's highest-rated premiere, I can't imagine it not getting reviewed.

So, in summation: watch the show.  Read the comic.

One thing I do want to mention (and this we be a spoiler if to anyone who hasn't read the comic book) is that I thought it was a little strange that Shane seems to be a complete douchebag.  I always got the feeling that Shane was a respectable person that kind of lost it after the apocalypse.  It seems like this would give his death less of an impact if that's where the series heads.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Eight, Better Stay Up Late

Freddy Vs Jason

This is barely part of the original franchise.  Firstly, it was made nine years after the previous installment.  Secondly, it wasn't include in the box set I bought in 1999.  Thirdly, it's the only Freddy movie that I saw for the first time as an adult.  Everyone knows that when something's made when you're already an adult that it's stupid and doesn't count.

Anyway, this wasn't as painful as I thought it would be.  Maybe because my expectations were so incredibly low.  I don't know.  I think the biggest problem with these types of things is that they spawn from hypothetical questions that fourth graders ask, yet because creators don't want to alienate half the audience (although, I could be biased, but I don't think it's a 50/50 split), so you have a compromised ending with no clear winner.  You have an explosion caused by a third party that blows up Freddy, so Jason wins.  But Freddy breaks the fourth wall and winks at the audience.  So did Jason really win?  Does that ending satisfy anyone?  Fuck it.  I'm done with these films now.

Or am I?



I'm not.

Watching the remake tomorrow night.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Bonus Coverage

If anyone hasn't caught an episode, Nick Swardson's Pretend Time is pretty good.  This was a sketch from a couple nights ago.  I thought it's pretty appropriate for this site.  The quality's sub-par (it's video-taped off of someone's TV), but it's what I found:



Freddy also made an appearance on South Park last week.  Not as good as Swardson's but still funny.  For some reason, the video's reversed:

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Seven

New Nightmare

 I've been putting this off.  Not so much because I don't want to review this movie, but completion of this review sets me up for watching Freddy Vs Jason, which is something I never wanted to do again.

Anyway, this movie's kind of "meh."  Like the last one, there's stuff that I liked and stuff that I didn't like.  It's kind of cool that even though they said they were done, they decided to make the seventh film this weird kind of metafiction about Heather Langenkamp.  See, it turns out that this ancient demon that murders people in their dreams has been subdued for years because he's entertained by Freddy movies.  Now that the franchise is dead, he's back to murdering (in the form of Freddy) unless Wes can make one more killer movie to stop it.

There was an underlying self-awareness about the franchise's popularity and its fans that was pretty cool.  It was also cool to see cameos by a lot of New Line guys and actors from previous films.  It's also the first film of the franchise directed by a veteran director (Craven was fairly green when he made the original).

Which also works against it.  As great as the directing is, it comes off as pretentious. It doesn't have that fun slasher vibe that the other ones do.  Makes it kind of long to watch.  Also, this is one of those cases where less is less.  They don't show Freddy in the dreams very much.  I guess Craven was going for a more realistic feel, which doesn't really work, and the overexposure of Freddy in the final scene negates that anyway.  And Dylan mentions several times that Rex (his stuffed dinosaur) protects him from Freddy.  This leads me to believe that Freddy is fighting a T-Rex in the dream world.  That would make an awesome movie.  Also, (I said this before), I don't want to see a movie about a little kid.  What am I, The Pope?

In the end, they stab Freddy in the tongue and burn him in an oven.  Just like Dylan's favorite story, Hansel and Gretel.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Kylesa

So I'm probably going to be interviewing Kylesa in a couple of weeks.  Does anyone have any questions you'd like me to ask?

PS-I got Spiral Shadow a couple days ago.  It's pretty good.  I should get a full review on Comfort Comes next week.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Dominos Bad


I saw this commercial on late night TV last night.  I thought it was pretty awesome, but I love anything that has anything to do with Frankenstein.  Except that faggy Mary Shelley novel.  I've tried twice and can't make it through that piece of crap.  What a crybaby.  But I guess those are the novels you produce when your contemporaries are Percy Shelley and Lord Byron.  And you know what else?  I'm not going to refer to Frankenstein as "Frankenstein's Monster."  That's stupid.  I can prove it.  No one calls Frankenberry "Frankenberry's Monster."  If anything, I'm calling Victor Frankenstein "Frankenstein's Doctor."  But that's beside the point.  Buy Pizza Hut.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Nox Aeterna

A friend of mine recently writing on Vampires.com.  He posts as Fate.  His first article can be found here:  http://www.vampires.com/vampires-sex/.  Even if you don't like vampires, check it out.  There's an Anna Paquin titty pic.  If you don't like titties: Get out!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Six, Grab Your Crusifix

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare

I'm really starting to regret my decision to watch some of these movies.  Although this is a step up from the previous installment, it's not as good as I remember.

( note: This was originally intended to end the series, and in a way, it was the last film to follow a linear progression, so for all intents and purposes, I am going to treat this film like it is the last.)

Some Background:  The film was released in September of 1991, and the popular slasher franchises of the eighties were not dying gracefully.  Audiences were losing interest in the quickly, poorly made sequels.  Both juggernauts, Nightmare and Friday hadn't released a film since the summer of '89 (if anyone doesn't know, this was the summer that defined the summer blockbuster).  Over two years; this is the longest gap in either franchise's history.  New Line Cinema decided to give these once great franchises a proper (somewhat) sendoff.

In August, Jason Goes to Hell premiered and was unlike any other Friday film (I'm not going to go into how or if it worked).  The following month, Freddy's Dead premiered with a similar departure.  Twin Peaks was huge at the time, and it has been cited many times (even referenced in the film itself) for the strangeness of the plot and the humor.

What I Liked:  At the time, it was cool because they did something a little different.  Everyone was tired of the slasher formula.  This took place ten years in the future, where there are no children left in the town of Springwood.  It had some (alhough goofy) memorable death scenes: the blackboard-scratching, the power glove.  There were some great cameos: Rosanne and Tom Arnold were great.  Johnny Depp came back to the franchise that launched his career for a hilarious scene.  Alice Cooper was Freddy's abusive father.  A young Boba Fette, Breckin Meyer was in it.  This film also has probably my most quoted Nightmare phrase: The map says we're fucked.

What I Didn't Like:  Although said death's were funny, Freddy's personality was becoming bland, and really was on the decline since the third film.  Then they decide to reveal Freddy's nonsensical and muddled origin during the final fifteen minutes in a 3D (Apparently, the technology existed before last year. Weird) segment.

What the Fuck:  First we see Freddy as a young boy, playing with a hamster in class.  So I guess he wasn't always evil.  But no.  It's cool, because he only took it out to smash it with a hammer.  Awesome.  He's well on his way to becoming a serial killer.  And then instead of being horrified that a student smashed a hamster, his class makes fun of him because his mother was raped by a hundred maniacs.  Also awesome.

When he's a teenager, Freddy is found cutting himself before his drunken stepfather beats him.  I guess he's a victim.  Oh, wait.  No he's not.  He doesn't feel pain, and murders his stepfather. Cool.  Then as an adult, Freddy has a family and a house with a picket fence.  How perfect.  But then his bitch wife discovers his forbidden murder basement, so he has to kill her.  But it's OK, because Freddy loves his daughter?

Then, right before Freddy is murdered, these dream-sperm demons that have been around since the beginning of time are like, "Hey.  You're the most evil guy ever.  Can we chill with you?"  And Freddy's like, "Yeah."  So they go in him and that's where he got his dream powers.

What Kills Freddy:  (I realized that I forgot this part in my last review.  I went back and added that if you want to check it out)  Freddy's daughter put dynamite in his pants.  Who'da thunk it?

Monday, September 27, 2010

I can't belive I almost forgot about this



I was very busy a couple week ago, and this totally slipped my mind, but Chunklet Magazine is self-publishing their new book, The Indie Cred Test and needs donations if it's going to happen.  Now, I know your thinking, "Donating shit's fucking stupid," but if you donate $15 or more, you get (along with other stuff) a copy of the book.  So it's kind of like a a pre-order.  I know you've pre-ordered things before.  So think of this as a pre-order that helps what you're ordering get released.

Also, I am not only asking you to donate on Chunklet's behalf, but also my own.  I contributed some of the jokes that are going to be used in the book, so I would really also like it to come out for personal reasons.  This isn't like I'm just excited about some forthcoming X-Men comic or something.  I've seen a lot of it, and can tell you that it's pretty funny.

If that hasn't convinced you, here's a funny video that Henry made:




If that's not enough, here's some free music/comedy.  It's a download of of Melvins/Patton Oswalt split 7" that Chunklet released a few years back:







Go here to donate:

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/chunklet/the-indie-cred-test-presented-by-chunklet-magazine

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Five

The Dream Child

I can't exactly explain why, but this movie is just awful.  Unlike the second film, this one follows the paradigm of the previous installments.  It just fails on so many levels.  It's almost OK.  Really.  The badness is kind of subtle.  Why doesn't it work:

There's a little kid in it.  Role Models is the exception.  Apart from that, little kids tend to make movies suck.  Also, why is the unborn Jacob like a five year old kid in dream world?  He's an unborn foetus.  Everyone else retains their appearance in dreams.  If Jacob can make himself older, why not an adult instead of an annoying little kid?  Personally, I think that I would like to see a movie with Freddy palling around with a foetus (Someone call Platinum Dunes.  I've got a treatment for Nightmare on Elm Street 2).

The kids are adults.  They're college graduates.  They're too old too even be a part of some sort of sorority house massacre.  I'm not sure why, but it only works when teenagers are getting murdered (probably why Platinum Dunes rejected my Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2: Baby Meat script).

Low Body Count.  Like three.  Which is unacceptable for a slasher movie in 1989.  I guess it tries to build suspense, which I normally prefer, but this just comes across as boring.

I'm not sure how I feel about Freddy's demise in this film, but it is pretty wild.  Freddy gives Jacob power, so Jacob vomits on Freddy causing this movie's souls pop out of his chest, thus turning Freddy into a foetus so that Amanda can put him back in her womb before his claw pops out of her stomach.  It's not really established in the film anywhere, but I it makes Jacob powerful, so I guess it makes sense.


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

He Floated Down a River on a Raft With a Black Guy

Book of the Week

I read some comics today, and there were a few that I really liked.  I'm bringing this column back for some quick reviews.

8-25-10
Fantastic Four 582
Marvel
No.  I won't shut up about this book.  It keeps getting better and better.








9-1-10
Scarlet 2
Icon/Marvel
I also talked about this book last month.  The second issue didn't disappoint.







9-9-10
American Vampire 6
Vertigo/DC
I'm really glad with the way this issue turned out.  Even though there's no doubt that the Stephen King story greatly increased sales, I think it really hurt the book's pacing.  It was tough to get into this series with each issue split into two 16-page stories.  I really liked this issue.





runner up
Booster Gold 36
DC
I really love the direction this book is going in.  It's the only DC-proper title that I'm reading.  I hate what they've done with the DCU in recent years.  So it really surprises me that even though Booster deals with these plot lines, it does so in a funny and sad self-aware kind of a way that's really amazing.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Rated R

(the R is for "Retarded")

You may or may not know that I love movies.  I mean, who doesn't, right?  Anyway, I know that the multiplexes are always filled with garbage movies, but I was watching late night TV last night, and I noticed that there are a lot of movie coming out soon that my response was "This?  Really?" after watching the commercial.  So this is my new movie rant, complete with trailers:





This movie doesn't really belong here with the others, but I saw it last week and have been meaning to say something about it, but have not had any time to do so.  Anyway, it's great.  It exceeded all my expectations (which were high).  Possibly better than Planet Terror.






The first film in M Night Shyamalan's horror trilogy, The Night Chronicles.  I have to admit: I do want to see this movie even though I know it's going to be terrible.  Mostly because I have trouble resisting any movie that references apes or Satan/Hell in the title.  And it does look interesting.  I actually like Shyamalan as a director.  Aesthetically, I think his movies are great.  I just think he's a terrible writer.  I love The Twilight Zone, but I love it as the Twilight Zone.  It doesn't need a revival.

Why Devil Might Not Be Bad:  Shyamalan really didn't do much with this movie.  He has story credit, but the screenplay and director credits go to virtual newcomers.  Also, screenwriter, Brian Nelson worked with David Slade on Hard Candy and 30 Days of Night, which were both pretty solid films.

By the way,  this is by no means a spoiler-free website.  Feel free to post the twist in comments.






Hammer Studios makes it's return with this English language remake.  Maybe it's just me, but it seems like the remake just misses the point of why this was such a great movie, and just looks like any other shitty remake.

But I think my biggest problem is the title change from Let the Right One In.  It just lacks elegance.  The producers thought that the origianl title was too long for American audiences.  I'm sure they know more than me about marketing, but what?  Do they think that someone's going to walk up to the box office:
"I'll have two for Let the...Let's Write..Right the Left One...Fuck it.  Harry Potter."

Why Let Me In Might Not Be Bad:  I guess the shitty looking trailer could just be for marketing purposes.  It's happened before.  You have to appeal to teeny-boppers and Middle America.






A Facebook movie?  Seriously?  Fuck you, David Fincher.  What?  You couldn't get the rights to make an edgy Gmail movie?  Does anyone still like this guy?  Seriously, he made like one really good movie.  Oh, and before I forget: Fuck you too, Aaron Sorkin.

Why Social Network Might Not Be Bad:  Fuck.  I don't know.  At least it's not Chris Nolan.






 This looks kind of cool, but didn't they just remake A Nightmare on Elm Street (which I am working my way towards.  i should get my 5 review up soon) a few months ago?  A dead killer killing kids?  Dream stuff? Even the shot with the hand coming out over the bed?  It looks just like Nightmare.

Why My Soul To Take Might Not Be Bad:  I know it was a really long time ago, but the man did make The Hills Have Eyes.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Sunday, September 5, 2010

LOST Stuff

This is something I found with some pretty interesting stuff in this.  It came from Jon Mankuta.  There are some punctuation problems with pasting text that I could fix, but am too lazy to.  Deal with it:

This was posted by a Writer from Bad Robot that worked on lost (not by me
in any way)…
First … The Island:
It was real. Everything that happened on the island that we saw throughout
the 6 seasons was real. Forget the final image of the plane crash, it was
put in purposely to f*&k with people’s heads and show how far the show had
come. They really crashed. They really survived. They really discovered
Dharma and the Others. The Island keeps the balance of good and evil in the
world. It always has and always will perform that role. And the Island will
always need a “Protector�. Jacob wasn’t the first, Hurley won’t be the
last. However, Jacob had to deal with a malevolent force (MIB) that his mother,
nor Hurley had to deal with. He created the devil and had to find a way to
kill him — even though the rules prevented him from actually doing so.
Thus began Jacob’s plan to bring candidates to the Island to do the one
thing he couldn’t do. Kill the MIB. He had a huge list of candidates that
spanned generations. Yet everytime he brought people there, the MIB corrupted
them and caused them to kill one another. That was until Richard came along
and helped Jacob understand that if he didn’t take a more active role, then
his plan would never work.

Enter Dharma — which I’m not sure why John is having such a hard time
grasping. Dharma, like the countless scores of people that were brought to the
island before, were brought there by Jacob as part of his plan to kill the
MIB. However, the MIB was aware of this plan and interferred by “corrupting�
Ben. Making Ben believe he was doing the work of Jacob when in reality he
was doing the work of the MIB. This carried over into all of Ben’s “
off-island� activities. He was the leader. He spoke for Jacob as far as they
were concerned. So the “Others� killed Dharma and later were actively trying
to kill Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Hurley and all the candidates because that’s
what the MIB wanted. And what he couldn’t do for himself.
Dharma was originally brought in to be good. But was turned bad by MIB’s
corruption and eventually destroyed by his pawn Ben.

Now, was Dharma only
brought there to help Jack and the other Canditates on their overall quest to
kill Smokey? Or did Jacob have another list of Canidates from the Dharma
group that we were never aware of? That’s a question that is purposley not
answered because whatever answer the writers came up with would be worse than
the one you come up with for yourself. Still … Dharma’s purpose is not “
pointless� or even vague. Hell, it’s pretty blantent.
Still, despite his grand plan, Jacob wanted to give his “candidates� (our
Lostaways) the one thing he, nor his brother, were ever afforded: free
will. Hence him bringing a host of “candidates� through the decades and
letting them “choose� which one would actually do the job in the end. Maybe he
knew Jack would be the one to kill Flocke and that Hurley would be the
protector in the end. Maybe he didn’t. But that was always the key question of
the show: Fate vs Free-will. Science vs Faith. Personally I think Jacob knew
from the beginning what was going to happen and that everyone played a
part over 6 seasons in helping Jack get to the point where he needed to be to
kill Smokey and make Hurley the protector — I know that’s how a lot of the
writers viewed it. But again, they won’t answer that (nor should they)
because that ruins the fun.

In the end, Jack got to do what he always wanted to do from the very first
episode of the show: Save his fellow Lostaways. He got Kate and Sawyer off
the island and he gave Hurley the purpose in life he’d always been missing.
And, in Sideways world (which we’ll get to next) he in fact saved everyone
by helping them all move on …

Now…
Sideways World:
Sideways world is where it gets really cool in terms of theology and
metaphysical discussion (for me at least — because I love history/religion
theories and loved all the talks in the writer’s room about it). Basically what
the show is proposing is that we’re all linked to certain people during our
lives. Call them soulmates (though it’s not exactly the best word). But
these people we’re linked to are with us duing “the most important moments of
our lives� as Christian said. These are the people we move through the
universe with from lifetime to lifetime. It’s loosely based in Hinduisim with
large doses of western religion thrown into the mix.
The conceit that the writers created, basing it off these religious
philosophies, was that as a group, the Lostaways subconsciously created this “
sideways� world where they exist in purgatory until they are “awakened� and
find one another. Once they all find one another, they can then move on and
move forward. In essence, this is the show’s concept of the afterlife.
According to the show, everyone creates their own “Sideways� purgatory with
their “soulmates� throughout their lives and exist there until they all move
on together. That’s a beautiful notion. Even if you aren’t religious or
even spirtual, the idea that we live AND die together is deeply profound and
moving.

It’s a really cool and spirtual concept that fits the whole tone and
subtext the show has had from the beginning. These people were SUPPOSED to be
together on that plane. They were supposed to live through these events — not
JUST because of Jacob. But because that’s what the universe or God
(depending on how religious you wish to get) wanted to happen. The show was always
about science vs faith — and it ultimately came down on the side of faith.
It answered THE core question of the series. The one question that has been
at the root of every island mystery, every character backstory, every plot
twist. That, by itself, is quite an accomplishment.
How much you want to extrapolate from that is up to you as the viewer.
Think about season 1 when we first found the Hatch. Everyone thought that’s THE
answer! Whatever is down there is the answer! Then, as we discovered it
was just one station of many. One link in a very long chain that kept
revealing more, and more of a larger mosiac.
But the writer’s took it even further this season by contrasting this
Sideways “purgatory� with the Island itself. Remember when Michael appeared to
Hurley, he said he was not allowed to leave the Island. Just like the MIB.
He wasn’t allowed into this sideways world and thus, was not afforded the
opportunity to move on. Why? Because he had proven himself to be unworthy
with his actions on the Island. He failed the test. The others, passed. They
made it into Sideways world when they died — some before Jack, some years
later. In Hurley’s case, maybe centuries later. They exist in this sideways
world until they are “awakened� and they can only move on TOGETHER because
they are linked. They are destined to be together for eternity. That was
their destiny.

They were NOT linked to Anna Lucia, Daniel, Roussou, Alex, Miles, Lupidis,
(and all the rest who weren’t in the chuch — basically everyone who wasn’t
in season 1). Yet those people exist in Sideways world. Why? Well again,
here’s where they leave it up to you to decide. The way I like to think
about it, is that those people who were left behind in Sideways world have to
find their own soulmates before they can wake up. It’s possible that those
links aren’t people from the island but from their other life (Anna’s
parnter, the guy she shot — Roussou’s husband, etc etc).
A lot of people have been talking about Ben and why he didn’t go into the
Church. And if you think of Sideways world in this way, then it gives you
the answer to that very question. Ben can’t move on yet because he hasn’t
connected with the people he needs to. It’s going to be his job to awaken
Roussou, Alex, Anna Lucia (maybe), Ethan, Goodspeed, his father and the rest.
He has to attone for his sins more than he did by being Hurley’s number
two. He has to do what Hurley and Desmond did for our Lostaways with his own
people. He has to help them connect. And he can only move on when all the
links in his chain are ready to. Same can be said for Faraday, Charlotte,
Whidmore, Hawkins etc. It’s really a neat, and cool concept. At least to me.
But, from a more “behind the scenes� note: the reason Ben’s not in the
church, and the reason no one is in the church but for Season 1 people is
because they wrote the ending to the show after writing the pilot. And never
changed it. The writers always said (and many didn’t believe them) that they
knew their ending from the very first episode. I applaud them for that. It’
s pretty fantastic. Originally Ben was supposed to have a 3 episode arc and
be done. But he became a big part of the show. They could have easily
changed their ending and put him in the church — but instead they problem
solved it. Gave him a BRILLIANT moment with Locke outside the church … and then
that was it. I loved that. For those that wonder — the original ending
started the moment Jack walked into the church and touches the casket to Jack
closing his eyes as the other plane flies away. That was always JJ’s ending.
And they kept it.

For me the ending of this show means a lot. Not only because I worked on
it, but because as a writer it inspired me in a way the medium had never done
before. I’ve been inspired to write by great films. Maybe too many to
count. And there have been amazing TV shows that I’ve loved (X-Files, 24,
Sopranos, countless 1/2 hour shows). But none did what LOST did for me. None
showed me that you could take huge risks (writing a show about faith for
network TV) and stick to your creative guns and STILL please the audience. I
learned a lot from the show as a writer. I learned even more from being around
the incredible writers, producers, PAs, interns and everyone else who
slaved on the show for 6 years.
In the end, for me, LOST was a touchstone show that dealt with faith, the
afterlife, and all these big, spirtual questions that most shows don’t
touch. And to me, they never once waivered from their core story — even with all
the sci-fi elements they mixed in. To walk that long and daunting of a
creative tightrope and survive is simply astounding.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Four, Better Lock Your Door

The Dream Master

If there was ever a Freddy blockbuster, this is it.  There's not much plot, not much character, but there is a steep body count, and the aesthetics are fucking amazing.

The dream imagery is very vivid.  The unnatural bright colors really convey that something is wrong under the facade of a nice suburb.  It's almost got a David Lynch quality of a modern setting with these Fifties-looking buildings and cars.

I really can't call it my favorite due to lack of tension and plot and such, but it's probably the most fun of the series.  The dream sequences are the more stream of consciousness kind of surreal than any of the others; the junkyard scene here the whole world is claustrophobically covered in cars, the pizza scene in the diner, all the long organic spinning hallways, the bug scene, the time loop, and the car crash.  It's all amazing, and it all really scares me on a subconscious visual level.

But my favorite scene, the one that I still dream about (and didn't completely realize what I was dreaming of until last week), is the Purple Rose of Cairo scene. I really love everything about this scene. The green light at the box office is just so subtly creepy.  Alice walks into an old grandiose theatre and sits on the balcony and watches an old black and white movie with all the dead kids.  Then the movie turns into the diner and she gets sucked in while everyone else is unaffected.  From the diner, she sees herself (in color) asleep in her chair.  The the doors shut, the diner is now in color, and we're in a completely different dream.

Do you get how much I love the visuals of this movie?  Now let's talk about the plot.  The first third of film consists of Freddy finishing off the remaining kids from the last movie.  So I guess what happens between Nightmare 3 and 4 is that after most kids institutionalized in Westin Hills (and one of their therapists) die, the remaining kids are released and they all go to the same high school.  This implies that they all lived in the same town, even though they didn't know each other when they were committed.  Either that, or their parents decided to all move into the same town after the kids were released.

Also, Kristen gives Alice her Dream Warrior powers as she's dying.  Why would she do this?  With Kristen dead, Freddy wouldn't be able to get more children without having her pull kids into her dream.  And why would Freddy kill Kristen at this point?  How did he know that she would give her powers to Alice?  He could have fucked himself.

And then, as people die, Alice is supposed to get their powers.  But really, she just knows Karate, gets the nerd girl's bug thing (which is an object; not a power), and says everyone's catch phrases.  And that really doesn't help her stop Freddy anyway.  When Alice finally goes through the looking glass to confront Freddy, these powers pretty much lead to a stalemate.  She defeats him by hearing that Dream Master poem and holds up a piece of glass so that Freddy sees himself and explodes; possibly the lamest Freddy death yet.

I didn't really know how to fit this in, but I figured that I should also mention that the screenplay was co-written by Brian Helgeland and Linnea Quigley's boobs are in Freddy.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Three

Dream Warriors

After the abortion that  was Freddy's Revenge, this feels more like the real sequel.  Without retconning anything, it picks up with characters and styles of the first film.  I originally said that it was a close second, but I really think that it's better than the original.

First off, let's talk about the cast and crew.  Wes Craven, Heather Langenkamp, and John Saxon all returned.  After rejecting Craven's original script because it was too violent and vulgar,  the studio had Frank Darabont rewrite it.  It was Angelo Badalamenti's second score after Blue Velvet.  The cast also featured early performances from David Arquette's sister and Larry Fishburne.

The film really enriches Freddy's mythos.  Freddy's character is more sardonic like we've come to remember him.  The dream imagery is a bit creepier, and more stylized towards each victim.  It has some of the most memorable dreams of the series: the trackmark mouths, the nurse with the Freddy tongue, the TV death.

Freddy's mother, Amanda, is introduced, along with the "Son of a hundred maniacs" chant (which I could be wrong, but I also think that there are times in the series where "a thousand" is used).  The goofy themes of a nun being raped by a hundred lunatic inmates might have been too campy for the first film, but fits in nicely here.  It also features what is arguably Freddy's most famous line: "Welcome to Prime Time, bitch!"  Although I was always partial to: "I said, 'Where's the fucking bourbon?'"

I mentioned that with the first two films, that conquering Freddy almost seemed made up as they go with no real logic except to wrap up the movie.  In  Dream Warriors, the ghost of Amanda Kruger tells Neil to bury Freddy's bones in sacred grounds.  Even though this solution is nearly as random as the other two, at least it comes from good authority (a ghost with some understanding of the situation).  Therefore, making some kind of sense.  It also states that the souls of the dead children make Freddy more powerful, which is an clean way of establishing that Freddy can have any magic power that the suits the story.

This is I think (I still have a bunch to re-watch) the only Nightmare film where adults believe the kids.  Although, there are still quite a few that believe that Freddy is nonsense; the girl hanging from a TV in the wall is chalked up to suicide.  Another thing that's odd: when they mention that Amanda Kruger got locked in the asylum for the holidays, that implies that the asylum closes down like a department store or something.  Like, what, does the staff just lock up and leave the inmates by themselves all weekend?

The sequence when the kids discover their dream powers is kind of silly.  Also, no one has the power to fly?  Isn't that what everyone wants to do in their dreams?

I also think Nancy makes some decisions that she is too smart to make.  By bringing the kids into the dream world, she and Neil (a doctor) sacrifice a few of them to stop Freddy.  Seems a little irresponsible.  It also seems weird that she falls for Freddy's trick at the end, but I guess it makes for a dramatic death.


Sunday, August 22, 2010

Melvins Lite

When you fly with The Melvins, you don't need a net.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Final Frontier

So I kind of forgot this was coming out, but I did end up getting a copy of the new Maiden album yesterday, and surprisingly, there's some really cool stuff on it.  Unfortunately, after the first listen, my overall impression is that the album really suffers from being way too long (10 songs @ 77 mins).  I don't know.  I really like the outer space themes and artwork.  The whole album seems to bleed together, and it just seems that every part of everything goes on too long.  A LOT better than their last offering.  If you like thier recent albums, you shouldn't be disappointed.   Bruce Dickenson's kind of losing it.  I'll get a more cohesive review up on Comfort Comes probably next week after a couple more listens.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

So the internet called...



...and said that I have to put some Juggalo stuff up or my site would be taken down. 

The Gathering of the Juggalo happened this past weekend, and it really seems like a terrifying place to be.  Kind of like living in The Warriors for a few days.

Anyway, I don't think that I can embed this video, but click on this link and watch Tom Green walk around The Gathering.  It's pretty funny:  www.tomgreen.com.

Here's someone registered on YouTube as rapeandkillpeople.  This is the video's description:

I was there and got kicked out and posted bail right away for assault. figured id share with the world what happened. Tila told the truth at least which is dope. lol. goto www.myspace.com/skeptyk for some insanely dope music thatll make you cum and shit at the same time. sign up at mars forum at www.siccness.net at the "mad insanity forums". be there or be square

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Scarlet

OK.  So this site really isn't about comic books anymore.  I now get my books monthly, and tried to continue my "Book of the Week" column, but kind of just fell away from it.  How much can I say about Savage Dragon and Fantastic Four every month, anyway?

Quite a lot, actually.  Seriously, you should really be reading FF by now.  It's one of the craziest books there is right now.  Also, I've been meaning to recommend  SHIELD, also by Jonathon Hickman, which is probably like ten times as wild.  Both have amazing artists.  I can't speak highly enough.

Anyway, I just read Scarlet by Brian Michael Bendis and Alex Maleev, and it's great.  If you don't know, it's a creator owned book on Marvel's Icon imprint.  I'm not going to talk about the plot, but I will say that it's not a superhero book.

I'm not really sure exactly where this is heading, but it's a really stellar first issue, and I'm really happy to see Bendis do some crime stuff again.  Not that I don't like superheroes, but I get enough of them in like 90% of every comic that's been published in the past half century.  Really cool.  Check it out.

Monday, August 2, 2010

New Melvins Song


I've been meaning to put something about this.  The AmRep 25th Anniversary show is later this month.  Haze made a few records to be sold ONLY at these shows:

35 Power 7"  White Drugs & Haze XXL.

Fuzz Buzz Kill Summit 7"  I think this is like a noise jam with a bunch of people using the Fuzz Buzz Kill pedal.

Dope Guns and Fucking in the Streets Vol 12 double 7"  The long-awaited installment to Amrep's most famous series.

Hurray For Me, Fuck You 12"  One-sided 13-minute Melvins song, Paraquat Plus.

Anyway, unless you're going to this show, aqueiring these records will probably cost you a lot of time and money.  However, AmRep is offering all this plus a bonus song on the above-pictured CD for five dollars on their website.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Two, Freddy's Coming For You

Freddy's Revenge

This movie is probably considered by many to be the Mulligan of the Nightmare series.  It barely follows the original and hardly expands the mythos.  You could probably skip this one and watch the third movie, and not have any inpact on the story.  It's actually a lot worse than I remember.  It's a failure for really so many reasons.

I guess the big one is the paradigm shift.  The storytelling really doesn't follow the original.  There's really only two dream sequences in the film; the first and last scenes.  And they're pretty much the same scene.  It's more of an Amityville or Poltergeist type thing where a family moves into a haunted house, and the spirit is trying to make the residents murder people.  So instead of killing people in dreams, Freddy uses the protagonist, Jesse's, body to kill people in reality.

Also, when Freddy does take over Jesse's body, he acts completely out of character.  He runs around like a mischievous imp or The Leprechaun or something, and instead of his playful cat/mouse chase, he just stabs people that randomly get in front of him.  His powers throughout the film seem to be magically locking any door and making things so hot that they catch fire (even the pool)?

And I understand that Lisa loves Jesse and she knows he's going through some shit, but she's very tolerant of his douchey behavior throughout the film.  After he tells her he killed Ron, she's like, "Jesse it's OK."  Really?  It's fucking OK that he killed his best friend?  Even if she doesn't believe this, she doesn't seem very concerned with his confession.  And what's the deal with Jesse running away when he gets the 10-inch Freddy tongue?  I'm sure Lisa would be OK with that.  You gotta use that shit, son.

And to stop Freddy in this movie: love.  Lisa loves Jesse so much that he turns back from Freddy into Jesse.  That's way lamer than that apathy bullshit we had to deal with last movie.

A lot of people blame this movie's failure on the strong homosexual undertones, but I don't know.  The Jeepers Creepers movies were totally gay, and they were awesome.  I'm sure there are others if I really thought about it.  It's like when people are blaming gays for ruining the institution of marriage, when it's like: No.  Marriage always sucked.  Don't go blaming this on gay people.

Thursday, July 22, 2010