Rated R

I think the Oscars were the other night because I hear people talking about it. So I'm sure something won but I don't know what it is because I'm not even sure what was nominated. Except for The King's Speech because people won't shut up about it. You have to see The King's Speech. Yeah. That's how I want to spend two hours. Watching some douchebag learn how to not stutter. I mean we already have My Fair Lady and the Family Guy parody of My Fair Lady. How much more shit do we need about Brits that can't talk? And even when they can speak English it's all wrong anyway. They're like let's smoke a fag and drive a lorry. Mr T knows that's jibber jabber. At least there's not a sex scene I have to hear about. I swear that people's only defense of Black Swan is that there's a hot lesbian scene. It's like don't you assholes have the internet? You don't need to sit through 90 minutes of obvious symbolism that belongs in a freshman writing class to see cunnilingus. Anyway what I'm leading up to is if you want to see a movie that's fun go see Drive Angry. It's about someone who escapes from Hell and drives around chasing with a Satanic cult who killed his daughter and is about to kill his baby granddaughter. He also has a pentagram-barreled shotgun and drinks beer from skulls. And Nicolas Cage has one up on Colin Firth on acting. He overacts which is kind of like fitting 10 lbs of acting into a 5 lb acting bag. It's like the acting equivalent of Super Sizing. Also I wanted to apologize for not getting to this faster. The movie bombed so tonight might be the last night to see this. Sorry. Now watch this:

Rated R

(the R is for "Retarded")

You may or may not know that I love movies.  I mean, who doesn't, right?  Anyway, I know that the multiplexes are always filled with garbage movies, but I was watching late night TV last night, and I noticed that there are a lot of movie coming out soon that my response was "This?  Really?" after watching the commercial.  So this is my new movie rant, complete with trailers:





This movie doesn't really belong here with the others, but I saw it last week and have been meaning to say something about it, but have not had any time to do so.  Anyway, it's great.  It exceeded all my expectations (which were high).  Possibly better than Planet Terror.






The first film in M Night Shyamalan's horror trilogy, The Night Chronicles.  I have to admit: I do want to see this movie even though I know it's going to be terrible.  Mostly because I have trouble resisting any movie that references apes or Satan/Hell in the title.  And it does look interesting.  I actually like Shyamalan as a director.  Aesthetically, I think his movies are great.  I just think he's a terrible writer.  I love The Twilight Zone, but I love it as the Twilight Zone.  It doesn't need a revival.

Why Devil Might Not Be Bad:  Shyamalan really didn't do much with this movie.  He has story credit, but the screenplay and director credits go to virtual newcomers.  Also, screenwriter, Brian Nelson worked with David Slade on Hard Candy and 30 Days of Night, which were both pretty solid films.

By the way,  this is by no means a spoiler-free website.  Feel free to post the twist in comments.






Hammer Studios makes it's return with this English language remake.  Maybe it's just me, but it seems like the remake just misses the point of why this was such a great movie, and just looks like any other shitty remake.

But I think my biggest problem is the title change from Let the Right One In.  It just lacks elegance.  The producers thought that the origianl title was too long for American audiences.  I'm sure they know more than me about marketing, but what?  Do they think that someone's going to walk up to the box office:
"I'll have two for Let the...Let's Write..Right the Left One...Fuck it.  Harry Potter."

Why Let Me In Might Not Be Bad:  I guess the shitty looking trailer could just be for marketing purposes.  It's happened before.  You have to appeal to teeny-boppers and Middle America.






A Facebook movie?  Seriously?  Fuck you, David Fincher.  What?  You couldn't get the rights to make an edgy Gmail movie?  Does anyone still like this guy?  Seriously, he made like one really good movie.  Oh, and before I forget: Fuck you too, Aaron Sorkin.

Why Social Network Might Not Be Bad:  Fuck.  I don't know.  At least it's not Chris Nolan.






 This looks kind of cool, but didn't they just remake A Nightmare on Elm Street (which I am working my way towards.  i should get my 5 review up soon) a few months ago?  A dead killer killing kids?  Dream stuff? Even the shot with the hand coming out over the bed?  It looks just like Nightmare.

Why My Soul To Take Might Not Be Bad:  I know it was a really long time ago, but the man did make The Hills Have Eyes.